WORDS ABOUT WORDS

2012-01-15T22:42:00.001-06:00

I was a purist but I have fallen into reading books on Kindle for mac. Oh, the shame. But I have to admit I'm liking it really well. I've read 5 books this year, all on the kindle.

I can check them our from the library and I might try that. If I don't have to get on waiting lists. That probably won't happen.

I need to make a new book list for 2012. Seems to be the easiest way to keep track of what I'm reading. Now if I could just do that for writing.

11.11.11

2011-11-11T22:39:00.001-06:00

I've looked so forward to 11.11.11 and it has been great day. I saw the time at 1:11 am, 11:11am, 1:11 pm and I'm going to try and post this at 11:11 pm.

I marked the day by climbing a 70 foot fire tower. I was on the top at 11:11. I made a lot of pictures and it was such a good time.

The fire tower belongs to Tony and Susan. They have the most interesting things, chickens, rocks, a fig tree, eggplant vines, trees, a rusted out tractor, an old car from England, a solar heated chicken house, a swing with a fire burning in front of it, flowers nipped by frost. They are such interesting people. I had the best time.

Uncle Joe

2011-08-25T22:05:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow I'm going to the funeral of my Uncle Joe Matthews. He is the last of my mother's brothers. My mothers hasn't been dead quite 2 years yet. Her youngest brother, Billy, died in 1965 and W. V., the oldest, died in 1976.
I am the oldest of 7 grandchildren. So now I am the oldest in the blood line. I will be 65 in December. It's an odd thing to be the oldest. I'm the oldest of my Chosen Family.
The Matthews will die out with our generation as will the Adams with John Michael.
There are children but not with the Matthews or Adams name.
I'm afraid I'm going to be really sad tomorrow, I'll probably be the chief mourner.
My uncle and my mother looked so much alike, they had the same facial expressions, and they held their hands the same way, their fingers intermingled and folded. They had the same sense of humor although mama was quicker to talk and tell tales than Joe but when it did it was memorable.
I've been practicing not crying but it isn't working. Waves of grief wash over me and I can hardly stand it. But I will.

2011-05-14T11:53:00.000-05:00

Poor blog. So neglected.

READING

2011-01-31T16:21:00.000-06:00

I'm going to read DRACULA by Bram Stoker. I've never read it. Amanda says I should, so I will. I'm also reading FAIR AND TENDER LADIES by Lee Smith. I've read it several times. During January, I read new things and old things, some I read years ago and one that was just published. I loved them all. I only want to read things I want to read and love. I used to think I had to finish anything I started but now there are so many things i want to read or re-read that I only stay with something I love. So if you see I have read something,you know I loved it.

I read 9 books in January. 2011 is going to be a reading year for me. And a writing year. And an art journaling year. I hope it will also be a quiet year, less tv, but more music. I consider music being quiet. I'm just now getting used to it being the year 2011. I never thought I would live so long.

I'm walking with Dianne. I love walking.

NEW BACKGROUND

2011-01-16T23:16:00.000-06:00

How do you like the new background and header? I decided I needed something that was a better fit to my state of mind.

I went to the movie today. I saw The King's Speech. I thought it was a wonderful movie, I could have watched it again.

Today, I also finished reading THEIR EYES WERE WATCHING GOD by Zora Neale Hurston. It was very good, I'm glad I read it and don't know what I am just now reading it. I guess I needed it for now.

I'm not sure what I want to read now. The house is stacked with books so I have choices. Somebody told me once that they had read all the books in their house. I thought that was the strangest thing. I have a great fear of having a few minutes with nothing to read. It never happens so I don't know why I have that fear. It hasn't happend in years.

The art journal is calling me back to it, after it being neglected for quite some time. But I bringing out the photographs, the paint, the glue strips and my head is spinning with the joy of it. Pages will be posted in the next day or so. Come back.

ART JOURNAL PAGES

2011-01-14T23:13:00.002-06:00

EARLY

2011-01-10T06:19:00.000-06:00

I've been awake for a long time already this morning. I've eaten bacon and scrambled eggs with diet cherry 7 UP. Mighty tasty. Now if I just had a dark chocolate Hershey bar.

It's going to snow. I have a pot of soup and the making for cornbread for supper. I have books and a warm house and plenty of quilts. And cats.

I just read LITTLE BEE by Chris Cleave and now can't seem to get into another book. I'm still living int he world of Little Bee.

I don't much like being up early in the morning. This is usually the time I get my best sleep. I might like it better if I was in Times Square.

1.1.11

2011-01-02T00:21:00.000-06:00

Numbers that contain 1 are my favorite, expecially if they are the only numbers. 11:11 is my favorite time of day and night. A while back, I began to notice how often I looked at the clock to find that is read 11:11. Mentioning it to my cousin Jane, she was hving the same experience. Then I find there is a whole following for 11:11. I can't wait for 11.11.11 at 11:11 am and pm.

2010 has been a year of highs and lows, as it has been for most everybody. My mother died in March, I went to Wales in June, LMU in June, Florida in July, Hindman in August, Nashville in October, I went to a Christmas party in Berea, I read books, I wrote stuff, I was euphoric, I was in the depths of despair. I survived. I guess that is good. I didn't always want to survive. Yet, I knew I had to. It was not my choice to make.

2010 may have been the year of Wales for me. I learned so many things, saw my dead relatives, spent good times with my alive cousins, and met MIke Davies, the best of all guides. He was a wealth of information. He drove us over mountains overlooking valleys that were breathtaking. The Wye Valley left me in tears by the side of the road. I sat on rocks that were familiar to me, I put my hand on ancient rocks, I saw tombs containing my ancestors. My blood ran Welsh.

I read, not as many books as I have read in a year's time, but I read great books, ones I loved. I'm going to read more, much more, in 2011. I'm going to submit my Clem & Trixie book, the Kristin poems and some other poems. I need to organize and find pages of writing that i have lost somewhere in this house.

I might knit. Well, I want to knit. I might. But probably won't. I want to, though.

I would like to lose 50 pounds without much effort on my part.

I want my granddaughters to be happy. And my children, too.

I want Hubby to be healthier.

I intend to see more movies at the theatre.

I should do things to help people, but probably won't do that much either. But, I'll think about it.

I feel sure I will shoot more pictures.

I want to go to Times Square for New Year's Eve.

This is the sunset on 1.1.11

It made me feel good.

COLD

2010-12-06T18:43:00.000-06:00

Back in the summer, when it was so hot, I said I would be glad when it was winter. I'm sorry I said that. I do not like being cold. It seems to have happened so quickly. But I do like to cover up in the chair and read or have computer time, or both at the same time. Three of the cats stay in the house most of the time and they seem to like covering up, too. Sadie should be in but she if afraid of the inside cats. She could whip them all but she is afraid. I try to bring her in but it doesn't go well and she wants out. She is well fed and fluffy. She seems to stay warm somewhere. The outside cats eat well.
I'm going to have to put up a Christmas tree. Sooner than later.

AFTER THANKSGIVING

2010-11-28T15:55:00.000-06:00

Well, Thanksgiving is over and I have to say I'm glad. We did have a really good time with family and nobody went home hungry.

I am the least likey person to be able to cook a Thanksgiving dinner, but, amazingly, I did. It's not the first time but I don't think I'm very good at it. I only like dressing made the way my mother made it but I don't think it was anybody's favorite. But if I'm making it I can do it the way I want. I have only cooked one turkey in my whole life and don't intend to do that ever again. I just didn't like touching it. So I bought a smoked turkey breast and it was really good and I didn't have to touch it at all. I got carried away with the mac and cheese and made way too much. The pan was too full and cheese ran down the sides as it baked. I didn't eat it but a lot of it was consumed so guess it was passable. I did cook a ham but we ate a big part of it on Wednesday.

We had family on Friday (we didn't eat the family, we fed them). We had navy beans, cooked from scratch, spaghetti, country ham and cornbread, along with a few leftovers. It was a good day.

Now I have to look toward Christmas. I don't like messing with Christmas trees but like them when they are up and decorated. But at midnight on Dec. 26, I am finished with that tree.

I used my mother's dishes for Thanksgiving. I didn't go get them until late Wednesday night. I'm glad I used them. She had them for years and never tired of using them. They did make the table pretty.

I bought candles but lost them, only to find them Thursday night. I guess they will keep for next year.

The cats enjoyed the scraps, they had a festive Thanksgiving.

I should begin right now and purge the house of clutter and stuff. But I probably won't since I like it all so well. My children can deal with it when I pass.

Now I want to read, write, paint, art journal and nap. All at the same time.

2010-10-29T22:41:00.000-05:00

WISHING FOR RAIN

2010-09-07T15:56:00.000-05:00

I just took a chocolate cake out of the oven. It is going to have cherry icing. Susan's favorite. It will put all my pounds back on. Maybe I can make myself just eat a tiny little piece.

I don't know what to read. I keep starting books but they don't keep my attention. I start them over and read a little more, then lay them aside. I know that will change but it drives me crazy. I like to be lost in books.

I wish it would rain, buckets of rain, making rivers in my back yard. I would like to have lightning and wind, great raindrops hitting the windows. I wish it would come just at the gloaming and run into the night, keeping me awake, then lulling me into a deep sleep.

I DREAMT OF TREES

2010-08-24T20:06:00.000-05:00

As soon as I got home from Wales, my dreams began to change. Since my mother died, I hadn't dreamt of her, but now I started to do so. The dreams weren't sad or anything out of the ordinary, she was just in them. I could remember the dreams vividly but there didn't seem to be any real significance to any of them. Then they stopped.

Then I dreamt of trees.

I walked out of a house, leaving people inside. I held the screen door to keep it from slamming. The porch was made of wide boards, once having been painted, now peeling yet still sturdy. The edges of the boards were unfinished, some with jagged places, others worn smooth. I didn't go down the steps but if I had, my feet would have felt ancient rocks full of fossils. The yard was dirt with patches of green grass, dogs, cats, chickens ambling about.

Looking straight from the porch I could see a stand of trees, in full leaf, green, lush. The sky was blue, deep blue, with a few white clouds, a breeze blowing.

As I watched the trees, the leaves began to change, although nothing else changed around them. The trunk and branches of the trees stayed the same. The leaves first turned white, like icy particles in the shape of summer leaves, a light began to come from them, not through them or around them but from them. The white turned to a translucent silver, continuing to give light.

The dream comes to me all the time, day and night, awake and asleep. I like for it to appear. It makes me happy. I don't know where it takes place but it makes me think of Wales. I know there is a connection , I may never know exactly but then, I might one day.

2010-07-07T22:26:00.001-05:00

WALES

2010-06-27T12:27:00.002-05:00

I'm in Wales spending time with dead relatives.

2010-06-05T09:39:00.000-05:00

This morning, I set out to get rid of some stuff. So far, I have thrown away newspapers, empty plastic bags, stale bread, crumpled paper, detached price tags, and spilled cat food. I really intended to cull some serious stuff. But I like my stuff. I moved things around a bit, put buttons in a bowl, stacked art paper, put pencils in a container, sorted pictures, made a pile of shoes, took clothes upstairs to the closet. Now I'm tired and sitting in the chair. The stuff will wait.

Since reading TINKERS by Paul Harding, I haven't read much. It has taken over my head and I can't think about any other book. But something else will come along. I want to read THE PASSAGE by Justin Cronin. That might be what I read on the way to Wales.

June 21 is the departure date for Wales. I have been thinking about what I should pack. I can't take more than I can carry. But I like clean clothes. I should make a list.

The kittens must go next week. I said that last week.

Silas House has written a most wonderful blog entry. http://www.silashouseblog.blogspot.com/

BOOKS

2010-05-23T12:08:00.002-05:00

I should be shelving books. Well, I could be shelving books is I had anymore shelf space. Books take up every space a book could possibly fit. In many places, they are double shelved, which I swore I would never do. But it became a necessity.

I had a much longer post and lost it somehow. Now I'm too tired to write it again. It can hold until tomorrow.

KRISTIN

2010-05-21T20:23:00.000-05:00

My greanddaughter, Kristin, is 17 years old today. She is such a delightful girl. I love her so much. I wish I could make her happy all her life.

FREEZERS

2010-05-16T22:47:00.003-05:00

My freezer has stopped working. I discovered it when Olivia wanted a popsicle. She likes those red, white and blue ones. It was mushy. All the ice cream was lost but the meat was still solid. The only thing I could do was take it to Mama's freezer.
Well, I hadn't cleaned out Mama's freezer yet. John Michael hadn't been to her house since August of 2008, since she left there to come here.I know it was hard for him to go but he said he would help me take the food. I took garbage bags to clean out the freezer. There wasn't really a lot left there, some Schwann, a huge brisket roast, corn, peppers, and onions she had cut to freeze for making soup or spaghetti. Most of what was in the freezer were things she had prepared herself. There was a zip lock bag that held 4 cornbread muffins. She made them all the time and would put leftovers in the freezer, ready for company or to make dressing. These little corn muffins made me so sad, they were so typical of her, something she had done thousands of times in her life. I had a hard time throwing them away and am tempted to go get them out of the garbage. I know, that's really silly.
So now my food is freezing nicely in her freezer.
John Michael says he can't think of anything he wants from the house. But I know he will. He commented on a blouse hanging on a door facing, left where she hung it when she took it out of the dryer. He looked in the cabinets wwhere he used to store her freshly canned green beans. Her shoes were sitting on a chair. Most of the house is still just like she left it. Other things have had to be moved. Her essence hasn't left the house.
I have a lot of things to clean out at Mama's house. I guess I'll get it all done one day.

WEARY

2010-05-05T22:46:00.002-05:00

Tonight, I'm weary, dreary, bleary. I haven't been able to do any of the things I should have done today. I did cook supper and that's about it. I spent some time outside, cutting limbs, pulling weeds, talking to the birds and cats. And yes, they talked back.

Maybe if I go to sleep, I'll do better tomorrow. I've said that before.

I'm coughing and have a bit of a sore throat. I should have gone to the dr today but it was just so much trouble.

If it wasn't for Frasier, I would be asleep.

RAIN

2010-05-04T19:53:00.002-05:00

It has rained and rained. We even had a storm last night. The plants are soaked but they don't seem to mind.

I'm sad about all the flooding in Nashville. I love Nashville.

The baby kittens are needing a new box. They also need homes. Maybe if I advertise them for sale it will make people think they are really special. Well, it's a thought.

I'm trying to not be sad tonight, but not having much luck. I'm going to bed to read so maybe that will help.

2010-05-03T22:05:00.002-05:00

The rain is over. But not the flooding.

STORM

2010-05-02T03:25:00.000-05:00

The tv keeps telling me a storm is coming. I love storms. It aggravates me when the weather forecast is wrong.

I'm reading HOW GREEN WAS MY VALLEY by Richard Llewellyn. It is slow going, it makes me sad. I read it years ago and have read bits and pieces of it for years. My mother was always quoting her favorite parts. Then we would weep.

2010-04-25T20:49:00.002-05:00

A MONTH OUT

2010-04-22T22:24:00.002-05:00

My mother has been dead for a month now. The days have been strange. I have done really well maintaining my composure in most instances. I learned well from Mama, we were always private mourners.

It is hitting home with me all the things I have lost. My mother was rarely critical of me, she should have been but she wasn't. She was proud of everything I did, everything I read or wrote, my opinions. Of course, our opinions were the same. I've lost being able to put my feet in her lap for them to be tickled or leaning my seat back in the truck for her to scratch my head. We had a kind of language, facial expressions, body language that all made communicating a private affair. She would drop everything to go on a road trip, we were lost most of the time, but it didn't matter.

Even though my family likes me, it's conditional. With my mother, it wasn't.

CHANGES

2010-04-08T00:10:00.001-05:00

I've been thinking about the changes for me since mama died. The one that seems to giving me the most worry is that I won't ever have an unconditional relationship again. Mama liked me no matter what and no matter what I did, it didn't change anything for her concerning me. I get on everybody else's nerves, a lot of people disapprove of me in one way or another. I always knew that she would be fine with whatever I did, even if it was stupid. That's a big thing to lose.

CRASHING

2010-04-06T20:05:00.003-05:00

I've been crashing in the oddest places. I am very good in the art of self control. I can usually put forth the attitude I intend for others to see but not always. Elizabeth and I stopped to eat at Waffle House on Monday. I had gotten a copy of the eulogy from Bob and took it in with me. I started to read it and had a total melt down, yes, right there in Waffle House.

More than once, I've been suddenly sad, driving down the road, for no particular reason, just sad. Once or twice, a smell has made me sad, and sounds.

My mother was in our house with us for a long time. Right after she died, I caught myself going in the book room to check on her or looking around the corner from the kitchen to see if she was ok in her chair. But already, I'm beginning to think of calling her at her house or running down to see her. Some mornings, it crosses my mind to call and just before I go to bed, I think of it. The last days of her life are the most removed from my memory. Not that I've forgotten or want to forget, I just remember earlier times with more urgency.

There are kittens in our basement, 4 of them. There were 6, but 2 went to Kitty Heaven. I had to cut one of the dead ones away from the live ones. Their cords were all dried together. Don't ask, it was strange. The 4 remaining ones are healthy and fat. And quite relieved, I'm sure.

TWO WEEKS

2010-04-04T23:37:00.000-05:00

It's been two weeks since my mother died. Time is a strange thing, confusing and misleading. Time makes you think all is well or nothing will ever be well again.Time throws everything off. It zips right along just as if nothing has happened.

I knew my mother would die. She told us so just a few days earlier. But the main thing that told me she was thinking about dying was the way she started to bend her arm at the elbow and put it under her head. This was a clear sign.

I have never liked burials, especially leaving the casket sitting above ground while everybody leaves to go home. So I decided to do it differently. After the funeral we went to the cemetery, took our places and Bob read a short scripture with a prayer. The casket was then lowered into the ground, not a vault, but the dirt. I took a shovel, filled it, and threw the dirt into the open grave. The sound of the dirt hitting the casket was unlike anything I had ever heard before. The shovel was then passed to the rest of the family and anyone else who wanted to participate. Then the tent, chairs, fake grass were all removed and the gravediggers filled the grave and smoothed the dirt as best they could. We all went home.

It was a healing thing to me to stay until the burial was complete. I felt like I had finished taking care of my mother.

Now that two weeks have passed, I find it difficult to express my feelings. My mother and I were much alike, we mourn privately. I don't like for anyone to see me cry and go to great lengths to see that they don't. So most of my sadness has been by myself. My mother would have understood that.

AFTERWORDS

2010-04-03T00:08:00.002-05:00

Since my mother's death, I have been with my Cousin Jane, which has helped me in so many ways. She will go home tomorrow, Janie will take her to meet Emily. I'm going to miss her.

Elizabeth is here for spring break, Olivia here tonight and she will probably be in and out later in the week. We all went to bed earlier, each one reading our own book. I love to read with them. Then we turned out the lights and I told them a story. They were soon asleep. But I had to get up to take my medicine. Now I can't sleep.

Olivia has been sad missing Mama. It is hard for her to understand. She spent a lot of time with her and now she has a lot of sadness.

Not many days before Mama died, she told us it was going to happen. It may have been the last time she was in her chair in the living room. She made a lot of jokes about dying but she wasn't joking this time. She was right.

More and more I'm wondering how it happened that I wasn't with her when she died. It was the first night in months that we had been gone. It was so important for Leah to have us at her recital. I've had several people tell me Mama waited for me to be gone before she died. But then I wonder if she died because she thought I wasn't coming back. But the important thing, she died with people who loved her and cared for her every need.

I think Mama had the perfect eulogy. Bob talked about all the things that were important, books, reading, family.He's sending me a copy, I'm anxious to read it.

Tomorrow I'm planning to blog about the cemetery.

THE PROCESS

2010-03-29T13:19:00.000-05:00

I've started to write about my mother several times but haven't been able to until now. The process of the funeral and aftermath have somewhat consumed me. Bit I'm beginning to exhale a bit more.

After being with my mother most of the time during the last year and more, I wasn't with her when she died. The Cosmic Possum told me she waited until I was out of the house so I wouldn't have to experience her death. She could well be right. My mother was always sparing me if she could, making things easier for me, cushioning the blow.

We were in Georgetown for Leah's dance recital, which is exactly where Mama would have wanted us to be. It was important to Leah for us to be there and so we were. I will never regret seeing her dance.

Joe and Judy were here with Mama. Throughout Mama's time here, they had offered countless times to come and stay with her. This was the first time I had accepted. I left Mama with them with complete ease, I knew she would be well cared for. And she was.

I have to stop now but will continue in another post.

MAMA

2010-03-22T12:56:00.002-05:00

Well, my mama died yesterday morning. She lived a good, long life. I hope I don't live as long as she did. Old age is tough.

I'll be writing about this experience after the house is quiet.

VISITORS

2010-03-16T20:23:00.003-05:00

Yesterday, my Uncle Joe, Aunt Jeane, 2 cousins, Jeanne and John came to visit Mama. Joe is my mother's brother and is about 3 years younger than her. He is up and about but is failing. I was worried about him seeing Mama, since she looks bad and is in bed most of the time. She started the day in a bad way, she was confused and oppositional but later, after a bath, she settled and was excited they were here and sat up and talked to them. She was really glad they came and commented on it later in the day. I'm always glad when they are able to spend a little time together.

Then in the night Mama was congested and coughed a lot. She slept mostly but was restless. She has also slept a lot today but seems to be alert, even with all the medicine. John Michael and Olivia came up and she likes that.

I took my computer to be repaired today and it is ready to be picked up, Hubby is getting it tomorrow. I'll be glad to have it back.

I'm reading NEW YORK by Edward Rutherfurd. It drags in places but the story is good. I'm plugging along with it. I like reading a book that pulls me back.

STRESSFUL THINGS

2010-03-13T14:31:00.003-06:00

It stresses me to have to give Mama so much medicine. But I can't let her be in pain. She is also suffering from so much anxiety. But no wonder. Everything about her is changing. She is in pain, she can't move around or do anything for herself. It all goes against the way she has always been. She has been the one to do for everybody else and it is still her instinct. She worries about us, that we will be put out by her, that we can't talk without her in the room, things like that. None of it is true but it is hard for her.

Olivia will soon be here and that will be good for Mama, even if briefly. Any of the children make her happy.

Next weekend we will be able to see all of the girls. Leah has a dance recital and we are going. Joe and Judy are coming to stay with Mama. I am so thankful they will be able to stay with her. We can't leave her with just one person anymore. Or I feel like I can't.

In the midst of caring for Mama I find I am able to write. Even if it is snippets, words are getting on paper and the computer screen. Writing and art have saved me.

WHAT DEWEY HAD TO SAY

2010-03-12T13:24:00.002-06:00

Dewey Fox, who I love dearly, recently made personal comments to many of us on facebook. As I read what he had to say, I was so moved by his affection and his willingness to reveal himself so openly. I think we do way too little of this kind of thing. It is not always easy for me to express myself, even though I feel deeply about certain people.

Dewey told me I was the best thing since buttermilk. That is the finest thing I have ever had said to me. It made me smile and feel so good and so loved. Thank you, Dewey.

I want to copy you, Dewey. I want to tell those I love how I feel and be specific. You are a great role model in so many ways. You touch us all in ways you cannot imagine. My life is so much richer just knowing you are there and that you have my back. You are the best, Dewey, to all of us.

TRADE OFF

2010-03-10T22:39:00.005-06:00

My Mother's Hands

The pain medication is controlling Mama's pain but it is also keeping her drugged. But I can't let her hurt. She just told me her leg was hurting. I asked her if she thought she might need a bit more medicine she said yes. So, hopefully, she will rest.

Her voice is weak and just pitiful. I am able to understand most of what she says but sometimes it is hard. Of course, she isn't talking as much since she is taking so much medicine. It's a trade off.

She did well with her bath today, rested in bed, then wanted to get in her chair. She stayed there until a short time ago. She hasn't been hungry so she has just gotten her tube feeding.

A NOTE TO THE BOOKS I'M READING:
Dear Books,
I have not forgotten you. I love all of you and you will be read in due time. Just wait for me.
Love, Alice

FEELING HELPLESS

2010-03-09T19:18:00.004-06:00

Mama is having a lot of pain. Keeping her comfortable has become a challenge. Her leg hurts no matter what position we get her in, both in the chair or bed. She suffered terribly in the night last night but finally got to sleep around 4 after we moved her to the chair and got her medicine adjusted. She has slept most of the day today.

She is so frail now. Not that she hasn't been but more so now. Her movements are slow and delayed. I know it is the medicine but she has to take it. When she talks, her voice is low and broken. But she rallies well. Usually.

Last night when she was so poorly, I felt completely helpless. I wasn't really, I just felt that way. It's heavy stuff to have someone completely dependent on me. I'm not always at the top of my game. Sometimes I'm lost in a book or a poem, or coloring, cutting and pasting. Sometimes I'm just lost. I'm lost a lot. But somewhere I'm getting the ability to take care of her.

TINY MUSES

2010-03-07T19:06:00.005-06:00

It's always a joy to get a package from Sherl at Tiny Muses (www.etsy.com and search tinymuses). She has the most wonderful things in her shop. They come wrapped in blue tissue paper tied with white ribbon. The little packages are as much fun as the contents. These are some of the things in my latest package from Tiny Muses.

The little packages are so pretty.

Each piece is a treasure.

Sometimes, things come in little boxes.

This little quilt top is so sweet. I wonder who made it and was it for someone very special. I think it was.

The gondola was Olivia's favorite.

I wonder who this little frame belonged to and was it treasured. I'm sure it was.

A BETTER DAY

2010-03-06T20:16:00.002-06:00

Mama has had a better day today. The nurse brought the pain patches this morning and that has helped her immensely. She has slept a lot but it is better to sleep that writhe in pain. The nurses suspect her leg or hip may be broken but finding out and fixing it would be far more painful that what she is going through now.

I have been surprised at how clear her speech and thinking has been. I was afraid the medicine would cause her be confused. She was able to talk on the phone a little and hasn't been confused hardly at all.

I haven't been able to breathe well for days. It's wearing me down.

Tomorrow I'm going out to see if the crocus are blooming in the flower bed.

PAIN

2010-03-05T23:38:00.002-06:00

My mother has had a lot of pain today, both her leg and her head. We had to increase her medicine and it seems to have taken the edge off but not really has let her sleep soundly. She is miserable. Tomorrow the nurse will try someting different.

Olivia is here tonight. She has been asleep for a long time, she had a good day at school and went home with a little friend to play. She came in with a strawberry guitar and was thrilled.

I've had a few days of reading drought. I'm behind on my Bible reading as well as everything else I've been reading. But I can catch it up if I can get my mind cleared.

I keep coughing and can't breathe. It all started when I got chocked on my Multigrain Cheerios a few days ago.

I haven't worked on my Black Orchid Poems today. Maybe tomorrow.

HOSPICE

2010-03-04T23:42:00.004-06:00

This has been a day with emotions running in every direction. I didn't go to sleep until 6 am. My mind just wouldn't settle. I had scheduled an appointment for Hospice to come here to discuss the direction to take in caring for Mama. Somehow, guilt squeezed it's way into my head, although I knew that was ridiculous. Hospice used to be called only when the patient was near death. But now that is not the case, it is available at any time a person needs home care. I just felt like having Hospice was giving up. When I did finally go to sleep, I was dead to the world. I knew Anna Ruth and Naomi were here and would take care of Mama. I knew I didn't have to listen for her. The nurses came at 10 sharp, me still asleep, in my pajamas. I jumped up, (sleeping on the couch), and asked them to give me a minute to dress, they said why, it was just them. So at the beginning I was put at ease, which set the tone for the rest of the visit. They were able to answer my questions and even answer questions I didn't know I wanted to ask. We found we had a lot in common, cats. We all love cats. So how could it go wrong.

I feel more equipped to keep Mama here until she dies. The support system gives me a lot of options. They provide the resources for me to handle whatever comes our way in caring for her. Already the nurses have provided me with medication to help manage her pain so she has been able to get some rest, without side effects. She did well with her speech and did quite a bit of talking. She popped a few jokes and we had some laughs. What more can I ask.

OUIET

2010-03-03T12:45:00.003-06:00

The house is really quiet. There's been a lot of noise lately. Last night was noisy, I couldn't sleep. The tv was on, cats were jumping and hanging on the screen, trucks were rattling down the road, the washer, dryer and dishwasher were doing their jobs, I was coughing. Today has been no quieter, until now. Tracy came to clean, the vacuum was vacuuming, dishes were rattling, commodes flushing, phones ringing, dust was flying (I know, I know, dust isn't noisy), people talking, cats meowing.

Then it all came to a standstill. The house is cleaned, Mama is sleeping, the cats are sleeping in their favorite places, things are just quiet. Quiet is good.

This quiet reminds me of other quiet days. When I was a little girl I visited my old cousins, Essa Cova. Their house was usually quiet. Afternoons almost always found us napping. I can see myself on the daybed in the side room. In summer the windows would be open, I could hear the whippoorwill or the bob white entertaining themselves as well as me, the clock ticking, then striking. Occasionally, an airplane would fly overhead, making the unmistakable sound that planes make in the summer. During the winter, the fireplace would crackle and the logs would shift, stirring up little puffs of smoke and ash.

Days that I stayed home from school were quiet. Both as a student and as a teacher, days home were filled with silence. I liked the tv off, just enjoying the non-noise time. My mother would put a clean, cool sheet on the couch, tucking it in under the cushions, pulling it tight. I would stay like that for hours, sometimes, reading. I did the same for my children and grandchildren.

This quiet will soon be gone along with all the other quiet. I hope it doesn't stay away too long.

HECTIC DAYS

2010-02-28T14:28:00.003-06:00

It's been a hectic few days. Mama has not improved since her doctor visit. Yesterday we thought she was going to rally but then fell back. She can't put any weight on her feet or push up with her arms. She feet and legs hurt as well as her head. I am leaving her in bed since she lists to the left and it difficult for her to maintain herself in her chair. She has a mattress that changes her position to protect her skin. She calls for me if I leave the room. Her level of confusion causes her to repeat and forget what she has asked or said. Then she gets aggravated at me when I don't know who or what she is talking about. I try to answer her with what I think she wants to hear but that doesn't seem to work either.

Hydrating her hasn't seemed to improve her condition nor has the antibiotic, although there hasn't been enough time for that.

She does say funny, appropriate things in moments of clarity. So maybe by tomorrow she will improve.

Olivia spent the night and Mama always enjoys her.

I've been sick so that makes it hard for me to keep up with everything. But I think I starting to be on the mend.

DOCTOR APPOINTMENT

2010-02-26T22:46:00.002-06:00

We took Mama to the dr today. We decided to bring her home instead of the hospital. I think we can hydrate her and give her antibiotic here. I would have put her in hospital if Dr. Cole had said I should. She is sleeping now and has most of the day.

Mama doesn't like cats, or animals for that matter. But I love cats and have lots of them. Sadie, our oldest cat, a calico, mostly likes me. She is a rescue cat and I have taken good care of her. Recently, Sadie has taken to sleeping with Mama. Mama tries to run her out of the bed but she is insistent. She wants to get as close to Mama as she can, curling up against her legs, purring, sleeping. Since Mama isn't feeling well, she isn't running her away. When I do something for Mama, Sadie walks around on the bed, wanting to get close to Mama's face, it's like she is worrying over her. Sadie purrs and purrs. When I am finished, Sadie curls up against her legs again. I wonder what Sadie knows that we don't know.

I'm afraid my throat is getting sore. I sure don't need that.

I'm soon going to take to my bed and read. Maybe sleep a bit too.

BAD DAY

2010-02-26T00:13:00.003-06:00

Mama has had a terrible day, the worst. She finally relaxed enough to go to sleep around 9 pm. She has felt bad all day, confused, talking constantly, wanting to go home, wanting to call her mother. This is the saddest of all, wanting to call her mother and being upset because I won't let her. She cried for a long time. I just told her we would keep trying but that didn't make it any better. I just couldn't tell her she was dead.

Her body is more rigid than usual, she can't bend her body into a normal sitting position, which makes it difficult for her to sit in a chair. We have a lift chair that reclines almost flat so that is helpful.

To make matters worse, I let her fall out of the bed at 3 this morning. I couldn't get her up to the potty chair so pushed her back on the bed, with her head at the foot. I ran upstairs to get Hubby and when I got to the top of the stairs I heard Mama hit the floor. I didn't put up the rail. I don't know how I could have done such a thing. She bloodied her nose and now is sore all over. At 6 am she had another nose bleed and also was congested and spit up a lot of blood. I had to call my aunt to come help me. Hubby is usually away on Thursday but came home tonight. I am very glad he is here. I couldn't have made it without him here.

Mama sees the doctor tomorrow. The nurse said I should take her to the hospital but I didn't. But if Dr. Cole says she should go I will abide by his recommendation. He hasn't been wrong yet.

So now the house is quiet except for the washer, dryer, dishwasher and the computer keys.

BLACK ORCHID POEMS

2010-02-24T21:01:00.000-06:00

LETTERS

2010-02-24T14:08:00.002-06:00

Today Mama has been more confused than ever. She wants to write letters, which is something she has done all of her life. But letter writing is out of her realm now. Macular Degeneration makes it impossible for her read or write. She wants to make lists and then wants me to read them read them back to her. I can't do this for her. It is very frustrating for her.

She is also more rigid than usual and her whole body trembles. I have no idea what is going on with her but it is something major.

I'm at a loss as to how to handle some of this. I don't like to see her so agitated, she is miserable. Nothing soothes her. It is so sad for her.

NO SLEEP

2010-02-23T13:06:00.002-06:00

I was awake all night last night. No real reason, just couldn't sleep. Lots of things rolling around in my brain. Those night things are still rolling around in my head.

This is one of those feeling overwhelmed days. My shoulder and back are about to give out on me. I try to lift and pull Mama in the right way but sometimes I can't. I know I nearly pull Mama's shoulder sockets out too. But it is either that or let her fall. That's not an option. No broken bones so far and I intend to keep it that way. Keeping her skin in good shape is the biggest challenge.

I'm cooking a sirloin tip roast and navy beans. I have potatoes left from last night. So with a little cornbread, it's supper.

I need to be lost in a book. I just need to be lost.

SOME THINGS GONE WRONG

2010-02-22T00:14:00.002-06:00

I napped most of the day, which has made me feel better. Now if I could just sleep tonight. Maybe I will soon.

Mama hasn't had a very good day. She seems to be having trouble sitting straight, listing to the left. When she walks on the walker she leans to the left and can't seem to stand straight. No matter how much we prop her up she still leans over. Her words have been mixed up, the sequence messed up. I have so much trouble knowing what she is telling or asking me. I hate to ask her to repeat but sometimes it is necessary. It aggravates her. I can't blame her, I know it is hard for her.

I've also been letting Mama eat food. I know better but she wants it so bad. I never let her have much but... Now she isn't able to drink broth and even the custard isn't going down. I'm sure she needs her esophagus cleaned out. Dr. Riccio will kill me. I think she needs the feeding tube replaced too. She will not be thrilled.

Time and sequence give Mama lots of trouble. I have taken away her clock since it causes her to obsess about time. She hasn't realized it is gone. If she asks for it I will plug it in for her.

She wanted to go to Sunday School this morning but just wasn't able. I wouldn't be comfortable with leaving her for an hour. I'm not sure she could hold herself up in the wheel chair for that long. And I don't want to leave her when she is confused.

It's time for me to go to bed to read.

COMMENTS

2010-02-19T23:18:00.001-06:00

Now I have taken off the comment feature and have no idea how to put it back on. :o(

FRIDAY

2010-02-19T22:40:00.002-06:00

It's Friday. And it's been long week. We had more snow. It was so pretty. Some of it is still on the ground but the warmer weather is melting it right away, leaving us with mud.

It's been a somewhat hard week for Mama. She hasn't slept very well and has been restless during the day. We did take her out on Thursday but that seemed to make her more restless. I guess maybe it reminded her of going places and doing things. She was never one to stay home or to just sit. She was busy, cooking, doing things for other people. Of course, she did sit and read. Sometimes for hours and hours.

Now she sits all the time. I try to get her up to move around but she gets weak so quickly. I feel so bad that she has so much time to while away. Due to her confusion it is often hard to keep her engaged in conversation. I hate for her to be bored, but I know she is.

Olivia is here tonight and that brightens Mama's day. She always likes it when any of the children are here. So do I. They make me really happy.

I have eaten a lot of peanut butter eggs today. Why did I do it?

COMMENTS

2010-02-16T18:30:00.001-06:00

I love your comments but due to some spam comments I have had to change the setting to approve comments. Be assured your comment will show up quickly.

2010-02-16T15:42:00.000-06:00

2010-02-16T15:41:00.000-06:00

VALENTINES

2010-02-14T01:14:00.001-06:00

These valentines were sent to my mother by her friend, Louella. She was thrilled with them. I read them to her and she looked at them in the light. They are just wonderful.

2010-02-11T20:09:00.001-06:00

My mother and her brother, Joe

A BETTER DAY, MOSTLY

2010-02-11T19:45:00.005-06:00

Today has been a better day than yesterday. This morning, Mama woke up feeling better and seemed more herself. She talked a lot without much confusion, even laughed and made a few jokes. We had banana bread for breakfast, along with Mama's tube feeding. Of course, the bread made her sick but she loved it anyway. We had a quiet day, signing and addressing valentines, she likes to sign them herself, then I address them. I know it is difficult to read her writing but she likes to do it, so I think she should. I left her alone to do mail them and when I got back home she was calling for me, calling me "Mama", she had forgotten I had gone. I don't often leave her but she was anxious for the valentines to be mailed. She was so confused and looked totally different. I think she has "incidents" and has them often. Usually it takes a long time for her to recover and each time she recovers less or more slowly.
This afternoon she has been worried about the days of the week. She can't get them straight but it seems to be important to her so we repeat them. The afternoon also found her miscalling names, more than usual, as well as mixed up on the sequence of age of the girls.
I know it is terrible for her to unable to pull up names and ages of all of us. It is a real source of stress. The more she tries, the more difficult it is for her. I try to answer her questions but that usually leads to more confusion and questions.
I feel like I don't keep her entertained but I run out of things for her to do or talk about that she can maintain. If I tell her too many things she gets them all jumbled, which leads to a whole 'nother level of confusion.

SNOW PRINTS

2010-02-08T22:54:00.000-06:00

YEAH! SNOW

2010-02-08T22:38:00.002-06:00

Tonight we are getting pretty snow. It is falling into an even pattern, covering the cars and the ground. The cats are leaving their footprints all around the back door and on the front porch. Not the house cats, though, all six of them are nestled in beds, on the couch, looking for the warmest, driest places they can find. Sadie will want to sleep with Mama, she will not want her there though. Poor Sadie, she is so still and doesn't bother anything. When Mama gets to sleep, Sadie finds her way to the foot of the bed and usually sleeps there all night.

Today was Hubby's birthday. We had a good time. We've had lots of birthdays together.

I went to Goodwill today and made some great underwear pictures. Also found some great lace and meat platters.

Jeanie and I had lunch at Olive Garden. It's a good thing we went today since it is snowing tonight. By the end of the week we should be able to lunch again.

SATURDAY

2010-02-06T22:12:00.002-06:00

I napped away most of today. Also did some reading, which is what I'll do most of the night. I'm close to finishing SECRETS OF EDEN and want to see how it ends.

Our snow wasn't pretty. Maybe the next one will be. I love the snow scenes in DC.

Mama has had a good day today. She has also napped some. She ate some supper and it didn't make her sick. She has a new mattress and I think it helps her sleep better. It is made to relieve pressure points. It fills with air and has a little movement in it, I think it would be nice for sleeping. Which is what it is for, duh.

I guess I'll have to cook something tomorrow.

SNOW

2010-02-05T23:18:00.003-06:00

We are getting a little piddlin' snow here. I wish we were getting it like DC. It would just be so pretty and interesting.

I lost my iPhone today but got a call from Walmart that someone had turned it in. Makes me very happy. I have lots of things saved on it. I'll miss sleeping with it tonight.

I'm trying to change my background and template but can't seem to do it. I wish I had live in commuter help. I can't even read the directions.

NOT SLEEPING

2010-02-04T21:29:00.002-06:00

Late night finds me awake and unable to sleep again. I would like to be able to go to bed and just go to sleep but that never happens. No matter how tired I am I still wake up at night.

My mother has always been a night owl too but now she starts thinking about going to bed early. She isn't sleepy, she just thinks she should go to bed in case we want to do something. I don't want her to go to bed and not go to sleep. She worries and things get in her mind that aren't right at all. Then it is almost impossible to get her to understand that everything is ok. I hate for her to worry and be uneasy.

Only 3 of the cats are in tonight. The other 3 wanted to go out. Sadie wants to sleep with Mama. If she wakes up and finds her there she will try and run her away. Sometimes that isn't easy.

THEODOSIA ROBERTS HALE

2010-02-01T20:39:00.002-06:00

My great great grandmother, Theodosia Roberts Hale

November 20, 1830-November 2, 1917

She lived, died and is buried less than a mile from my house. She thinks she is me and I think so too. We drive by her home seat every few days. She had 3 children, Nancy Arthusa, John Wellington and Jane. The exact site of her grave has been lost but my mother remembers the general area from going with her grandmother to put flowers on the graves on Decoration Day. New graves now fill the area. But that's another story.

SUNDAY

2010-01-31T22:44:00.002-06:00

I've spent a lot of today telling Mama the days of the week. I can only imagine the turmoil that she must go through trying to get things straight. She has had trouble remembering today is Sunday and also trying to get the days in the right order.

Sometimes it is hard for me to maintain the repetition of Mama's forgetting. I sometimes want to just tell her it doesn't matter or not to worry about whatever it is that she can't remember. But then I know it is important to her. I know myself how maddening it is to not be able to think of a name or a word, it will be on the tip of my tongue. Mama has this feeling all the time. I try to tell her everything she asks me. Over and over.

John Michael and Olivia were here for a while tonight. Mama likes for them to come. She enjoys it when any of the children are here. Children do have a way of brightening a room. I wish we could see them all every day. Susan and John Michael, we want to see you too.

I've neglected reading today but the night is young. I'm still reading the Book of Exodus. Also reading SECRETS OF EDEN by Chris Bohjalian. And other things here and there, depending where I am in the house.

Tomorrow I aim to get back to my watercolour art journal, shelve some books, sort some pictures. Might even do the dishes.

JANE

2010-01-30T23:27:00.004-06:00

Jane has gone and I miss her a lot. I liked having her here. We did a lot of talking and laughing and, of course, shed some tears. Mama seemed to have trouble remembering who Jane is and their relationship. Jane is her brother's daughter. She has a brother, Joe. Her brother, Billy, died in 1965. His wife was and the mother of Joe and Jane is Anna Ruth. She helps me a lot. When Mama was in the hospital she cancelled everything and stayed at the hospital at least every other night. Mama talks to her on the phone a few times every day. Most of the time it is hard to follow Mama conversations on the phone. She tends to say things backwards and lately her receptive language is the same way. This makes talking with her difficult. I feel so bad for her since this is confusing to her, to say the least.

More and more, Mama wants me to stay in the room with her. She worries when I am out of her sight. She thinks I have gone to bed and left her or maybe I left the house. I always try to tell her when I'm going out of the room but she often forgets. She needs a lot of reassurance and reminders of what is happening around her. She thinks she is in our way. She isn't.

Now that Jane is gone, Mama is worrying that she didn't know who she was while she was here. We continually reminded her but now she has lost all of that. She wasn't even nice to Jane all the time which is totally out of character for my mother. But Jane understood although it made her sad.

I try really hard to keep Mama from being stressed and sad but it is hard for her. I'm always looking for ways to make her more comfortable.

A VISITOR

2010-01-21T22:18:00.003-06:00

My cousin is here visiting my mother. Well, me too. We are having a really good time. It is good for Mama to have her here. They have always been close and have spent many hours talking through the years.

Jane is a great storyteller. Her stories keep us in stitches. I still even laugh at the ones I have heard many times. In fact, they usually get funnier. Not to say she embellishes!

I'm having a lot of shoulder pain. I support Mama with my right arm more than the left and it is giving me trouble. She isn't able to get up, stand or walk alone. She can use a walker but only with help. Sometimes we use a small wheelchair when she is too weak to use the walker. I use the chair when I'm here by myself since I can't get her up without help. She had some physical therapy recently that has helped her get out of her chair and walk a bit better. She can push herself up some and that does help me. Hubby is a constant help.

She has days of clarity but more days of confusion that stems from the effects of the brain tumor. The mental stress for me is far more demanding than the physical. I try to keep her as stress free as possible. She loses her words or can't find the word she needs which is aggravating to her. I do my best to anticipate what she is trying to say but it is becoming more difficult. It frustrates her when I don't know what she wants to say or if I can't tell who she is talking about. But considering she is 91 and all the medical maladies she has had, I guess she does fairly well.

I have learned that there is nothing I can't do. I would never have thought this when I was younger. But somehow I manage to take care of my mother.

NAMES

2010-01-03T21:53:00.002-06:00

I've had lots of names. When I was little I stayed with two cousins who were in their 70's at the time. They called me Sugar Plum. They said I was the sweetest thing that lived. Yes, they did, and I have the letter to prove it. My Uncle B called me Skit, he had a lot of names for me, all of them affectionate. One of my cousins calls me Cousin, as I do her. Hubby and I have nicknames we call each other. My children called me Mommy, then mOm. My grandchildren call be Bubbe, which is Hebrew for Grandmother. I've been Alice, Alice Hale, Mrs. Adams, Justus Redfern.

One name I've never been called is Mama. I always called my mother, Mama. But now at age 63 I am called Mama. At night, my mother calls me Mama. She doesn't do it during the day but as soon as she settles in to sleep she begins to call me Mama. She gets up several times in the night to go to the bathroom and always wakes me up calling for Mama. At first, it was a bit disconcerting but as time has gone by it has become so common as to be acceptable. Our roles have reversed in so many ways, as I expected it would. But I wasn't prepared for this reversal, that I become Mama by name.

She is always apologetic when she wakes me up or more likely, I'm not asleep. She hates to bother me, she says. I get her up and out of bed, she asks me if I have go to the bathroom, that I better go. Then we start to get her back in bed and she worries that I won't go back to sleep. I assure her I will or that I'm up reading. She usually chuckles when I tell her I'm reading or will say, Surely not. She wants to know where I am and if I'm warm. Even though she calls me Mama, that role has not changed, she worries about my every comfort. She has a real need to know where I am when she goes to bed. I know it makes her insecure to be in the room by herself, she knows I'm close though.

I start my days as Alice but end them as Mama.

01 02 2010

2010-01-02T13:12:00.004-06:00

Patti Digh posted on her facebook status that today is Palindrome Day. 01 02 2010

I just love that sort of thing.

The girls are making brownies, one in oven another ready. (brownies in oven, not the girls) We have pizza ordered. Going to church tonight, Ritzy's afterward. I am hoping they still have peppermint milk shakes. They have the best ones ever. I just don't understand why peppermint ice cream is seasonal. I like it all the time.

01 January 2010

2010-01-01T19:51:00.003-06:00

I just don't know how it got to be the year 2010. That sounds so far in the future, yet here is where I find myself. 63 years old, way too tired.

I've now completed one full year of care giving with my mother. Her frailties became more prominent in August 2008. She was in the hospital from August 14-October 3, 2008. During this time she got a feeding tube and had surgery for a brain tumor. When it was time for her to leave the hospital we got all the supplies to care for her at home. We have managed to keep her out of the hospital even though she has had several poorly spells.

I'm reading BLOODROOT by Amy Greene. I started it before Christmas but had to lay it aside. Now I'm half way through it and loving it. I intend to read and read during 2010. Even though I read a lot last year there were times I wasn't lost in a book. I want to stay lost most of the time. Clem & Trixie is almost copied. Justus is writing about Leticia Clotsworthy. I wrote a poem the other day. It's going to be a year of words.

I'm also going to attempt to read the Bible again in 2010, a chronological edition. I haven't done that. I'll have to see how it goes. Well, I know how it goes, just have to see if I like to read it like that.

We ate all the food that is supposed to be eaten on New Year's Day. I cooked so does this mean I will cook all year!!

Between 1 & 2 AM

2009-12-29T01:35:00.002-06:00

It fills me with despair to think of all the sadness my granddaughters will experience. Tonight laughing with Elizabeth and Olivia, I wished they could always laugh. But already they have sadness. Olivia told me about something that made her cry at Christmas. Elizabeth has all the stresses of a 13 year old. If only I could cushion them all.

Also, I wish I could save Mama from all her frailties. I want her to be free of worry but nothing I do seems to accomplish that. She always took care of everything, did all the cooking, cleaned up all the mess. Now this has passed to me. I don't even like to cook. Elizabeth is learning to cook and does a great job. Tonight she made the cornbread and mashed the potatoes. When she is an old woman she will be able to make a pan of cornbread fit for a king.

I want to put away my Christmas trees but something is keeping me from it. I can't seem to let them go. They are all small with little white lights, except for the Norfolk Island Pine which has colored lights. The little silver tree came from the junk store in Georgetown. Elizabeth wants me to leave it up and decorate it for all the holidays. She says it will be pretty for Valentine's Day and Easter. Maybe I will do it. Why not.

The house is so quiet tonight, nothing stirring but me, clicking the computer keys, wrapped up in my new pink snuggie, a cat across my chest, books on the table, cokes in the fridge.

But sad. Not really a bad sad, just sad.

CHRISTMAS TREES

2009-12-15T18:28:00.002-06:00

I didn't put up a big Christmas tree. I intended to put up the white one but just didn't get it done. Instead I have several small trees. There are 4 big, little trees and lots and lots of little, little trees. I like them more than I thought I would. Three of them are sitting on a table together and the kittens spend a lot of their time sleeping there. They keep knocking one of them off the table but it doesn't seem to hurt it. It seems to be just the place for a kitty to nap.

Poppy, the outside kitty, had to go to the vet today. She has a head wound. It didn't amount to much, the vet cleaned it, gave her a shot and sealed off the wound. Poppy, who is feral, settled right in to being a very tame kitty. She didn't get the least bit upset, letting everybody hold her. She was happy to get home though.

I'm concerned for Jean Ritchie tonight.

DECORATIONS

2009-12-02T08:49:00.002-06:00

I was going to take Mama for a pedicure today but it is too rainy and cold. She would be wet and frozen before I could get her in the car. Next week for sure.
A lot of the decorations are out of the attic. Maybe I will get festive today. I can only imagine what the cats will do when the tree is here. The kittens will be beside themselves. The tree or the cats may have to go to the porch.

ORNAMENTS

2009-12-01T12:53:00.001-06:00

I found these ornaments at St. Vincent de Paul today, along with the little tree. None of them are in great shape but they are sparkly and festive. They make a nice centerpiece and also they might tell a story or two. Who discarded them? Were they not treasured? I'll use them for some decorating this Christmas.

COOKING

2009-11-23T23:59:00.002-06:00

It's been a long day. I did manage to get groceries and ordered a turkey from Moonlite. I have no desire to touch a raw, dead turkey. I'm not good at getting Thanksgiving dinner on the table. My mother always did it without any help from me. I just showed up then took a nap all afternoon. Now I have to be cook and be awake too. She always said, and still swears it to be true, that she liked to cook at Thanksgiving or any other day. I find that really strange. I wouldn't mind if I never had to cook again. Amazingly, I can cook, and right well, if I do say so my self. But it will all come together, we'll have a good time, be full, and all have a nap.

I'm reading THE THINGS THAT KEEP US HERE by Carla Buckley.

THE COMING DAYS

2009-11-16T20:51:00.002-06:00

I'm trying to work up some enthusiasm for the holidays. Mostly I just think about cooking and dishes. Then there is the shopping. A lot of it will be done online. Going to a store and carrying sacks is a scary thought. The cats and the Christmas tree should be fun though. Last year one them kept climbing in the tree to take a nap.

My kittens, who had an unexcellent adventure last week, will stay here. I thought I would give them to a good home but they had other ideas. They eat, sleep, and poop. And purr. So how much trouble can that be? When it cold I will be glad to have them cuddling up in my lap.

We have a new printer for copying Clem & Trixie. I just have to put in a couple of pictures and fix the page numbers and it is ready to copy.

I'm reading GIRL TROUBLE by Holly Goddard Jones.

BOOKS

2009-11-07T01:52:00.003-06:00

I should be sleeping. The rest of the world is sleeping. I'm awake, watching Criminal Minds reruns. I can't get a deep breath. My eyes won't let me read.

So much time spent wasted, books left unread, books unwritten. My unread books talk to me. Read me, they say. Most of them will be read in due time.

Mama's PT asks me the funniest things about my books, do I ever get rid of them, have I read them all. Those questions tell me she is not a reader. Of course, I haven't read them all, that's not necessarily the point. Sometimes, I want a book just for the cover, or an old book because of an inscription. I like to find bookmarks in old books.

Dear Blog, you have made me sleepy. Thank you so much.

Making Bread

2009-10-29T19:51:00.002-05:00

I've been making banana bread. Tonight I ran out of bananas so I made apple bread, using the same recipe. The most important ingredient is cream cheese. The apple bread is most wonderful. One of the kittens is lapping up the crumbs. She agrees, she loves it. I am going to try and not eat any more tonight.

I seem to have the fidgits tonight. Is fidgits a word? I want to read but mymind keeps wandering, the cats walk on my book, the tv talks to me. Maybe later.

2009-10-27T23:58:00.002-05:00

I should be sleeping. I never seem to be able to sleep at the right time. Olivia is in my bed, so warm and cozy, I can't move her. But it's hard to sleep with her. I have to be close enough to hear Mama, afraid the monitor won't wake me. Guess I'll just try to sleep with Olivia.

I haven't read much for a couple of days. But that will change. I have lots of books I want to read, lots of poems to read and to write.

So many things to write.

CATS AND BOOKS

2009-10-05T23:07:00.002-05:00

I have a lot of cats. Last night I kept telling myself I would take the kittens to the shelter but I couldn't do it. They are so cute and very spoiled. They would not do well adjusting to another home. They were born in the house and have spent very little time outside. I hope they never find out that I even entertained the idea of taking them off.

I have lots of books, I'm not taking any of them off either.

2009-09-16T23:29:00.002-05:00

Dear Blog,

Oh, dear blog, how I have neglected you. I have missed you.
I have been busy. I have found that I can do lots of things I would never have thought I could do. I won't tell you about that.

I will tell you what I've been reading. I recently read SOUTH OF BROAD by Pat Conroy and HER FEARFUL SYMMETRY bu Audrey Niffenegger. I loved them both although they were nothing alike. I wish I hadn't read them yet, and was just starting them now. I read UPHEAVAL by Chris Holbrook, wonderful stories. I read ELI THE GOOD by Silas House. I recommend it totally.

I haven't kept good records of what I have read this year. I like to go over my lists from previous years so I'm going to do much better in 2010. (How can it almost be 2010?)

I have lots of cats. Abby is off with her boyfriends. Sadie is across the street. Sonny Brewer is asleep on the trash can. Lydia is upstairs. The kittens, Pinky Max and Eudora Alice Welty, are sleeping, Pinky Max on the trash compactor, Eudora Alice Welty sitting on the arm chair. Macy has gone outside. The other outside cats are sleeping under the car. If I open the back door they will come running for a midnight snack.

I have finished Clem & Trixie.

I promise to do better, dear blog. Look for me tomorrow.

Love,
Alice

HIVES

2009-08-18T21:50:00.002-05:00

Today I discovered I have hives. I'm just relieved it's not fleas! I have no idea what caused me to have hives. I could have figured it out if it had been fleas. I don't like itching. I couldn't get my medicine until tomorrow so I'm still using itchy cream which doesn't do much to help.
I can remember having hives when I was little. Calamine lotion was the remedy. I hated that stuff, it was way too messy, got all over my clothes and didn't stop the itching.

I can see lightning and hear thunder. I love storms. They are so wonderful at the beach, watching them blow in, the clouds swirling, sheets of rain, then it's over. Next the sun cooks us all.

There are strange mushrooms in our front yard.

ANOTHER DISCOVERY

2009-08-15T23:25:00.002-05:00

Well, it didn't work out for my mother to tell me things I didn't know. It upset her to try and remember. She did tell me a lot of stories, most of which I already knew but it was unsettling to her. The result of her brain tumor has left gaps in her memory, more short term than long. She tells things backwards and I am discovering she also hears things backwards. It is difficult for her to get things straight so she repeats them over and over, usually in the wrong sequence. I only correct it if it matters and it usually doesn't.
I think the worst thing for her now is not being able to do things for other people. She was always taking food to people or taking them to the doctor or just going to see if there was anything she could do. When she raised a garden she gave stuff to everybody, often ready to cook or more than likely already cooked. She canned and canned and canned. We ate and ate and ate. I know it drives her to distraction that I am not like her. I'd rather read.
Old age is tough.

IN RESPONSE TO SILAS

2009-08-13T14:32:00.003-05:00

In response to Silas' challenge, I'm going to ask my 90 year old mother to tell me something every day that I don't know. I told her to try to remember family things or things she did as a child.

My mother's family, her parents, 3 brothers, and usually her grandmother always ate supper at the table every night. They had a round table in the kitchen. Her mother made biscuits for every meal since her father didn't like cornbread. He ate meat, biscuits and gravy, no vegetables. He liked pork, did not like beef or chicken. Occasionally he might take a little spoon of dessert. When my mother was given meat or a biscuit to eat and didn't want it she would slip it under the table to her father.

HINDMAN

2009-08-05T00:08:00.002-05:00

I'm just back from Hindman. It's always hard to re-enter the real world after Hindman. I like being surrounded by writers, words, books, music, mountains. My head is spinning with all the things I want to write and all the books I want to read.
It's less than a year until I go back.

WHAT A CONDO NEEDS

2009-07-19T19:26:00.002-05:00

1. electric pencil sharpener
2. pencils
3. books
4. dictionary and thesaurus
5. a good reading light
6. seashells
7. pictures of the seashore
8. a guestbook
9. a non-stick skillet

IF I LIVED IN LOUISVILLE

2009-06-29T16:43:00.003-05:00

I've never lived in the city. If I lived in Louisville I would eat supper tonight at the Bristol Bar and Grille. I would have pork and green chile wontons, lots of iced tea. Then I would go to the movie at the Baxter Avenue theater. I would have a really good time.

MY NIGHT SO FAR

2009-06-10T23:55:00.004-05:00

Starting at 11

*check email, facebook, twitter
*see clock at 11:11
*write 2 blog entries, not including this one (http://www.theodosiahale.blogspot.com/)
*bring dishes from living room to kitchen
*throw away diet cherry 7up cans
*did not do dishes
*read
*feed rabbit
*feed cats, fresh water
*feed outside cats
*look for possum and raccoon, didn't see them
*almost step on kittens
*turn on all outside lights to go to car for box
*tape box together
*gather kittens from under desk and behind books
*put kittens in box
*try to shush kittens and Abby, meowing so pitiful
*walk Leah to her bed
*tell kittens to be quiet, they don't listen or follow directions
*put Abby in with kittens, she jumps out, meows
*kittens scratching on box
*kittens wake up Leah
*starts to lightning and thunder
*Leah gets in bed with me, twin bed
*my hip hurts
*I'm hot, Leah's leg thrown over my hurting hip
*kittens crying and scratching box
*move box of kittens to other room
*Abby in distress, meowing, standing on my chest
*unable to turn over in bed
*wake Leah trying to turn over
*we change sides, turn off fan, turn on other fan
*I move to foot of bed, Leah moves to middle of bed
*after much rolling back and forth I manage to sit on side of bed
*go to kitchen to write about my night so far

Going on a Trip

2009-06-10T21:50:00.003-05:00

Part of this week I've felt like the octomom. I had two 6 year old girls and still have one of them. They were so much fun. We planted flowers, they couldn't understand why no flowers were there by the next morning. Olivia will be back tomorrow afternoon.

Leah worked in her art journal today and finished 2 great pages. The only help she needed was with a piece of ribbon. She asked me to hold it with 2 fingers while she cut it. She has also had a really good time with our 3 kittens. They are a month old and starting to want to run everywhere. I've put them in a box but they are not happy about it at all.

Susan and I leave on Friday for the Mountain Heritage Literary Festival. We are very happy to be going. Kristin and Elizabeth are taking care of Mama. They are good girls.

I'm reading DRAWING IN THE DUST by Zoe Klein. I'm going to love it.

2009-05-30T15:50:00.000-05:00

SOMETHING I MISS

2009-05-22T21:57:00.002-05:00

I don't miss things or people much. But occasionally I'm filled with longing for a particular person or situation. Since Sue died at Christmas 2000, I haven't had a friend whose door I could go through without knocking. I haven't been able to take off my shoes in someone else's house, take a nap on the couch, pick up something on the cabinet to eat. I miss that.

I know it is something that I won't have again. It can't be planned, it just has to happen. I don't have time for it to happen again.

But I had it once and it was good.

TIMELINE

2009-05-19T22:49:00.003-05:00

By the time I have supper cooked I don't want to eat. Sometimes I leave the dishes on the counter all night. By 7 I'm beginning to be tired. By 8 I am tired. By 9 I can hardly move. By 10 I'm dead. But not sleeping. By 9 I'm beginning to find it hard to be agreeable. By 10 I'm downright belligerent. By 11 I feel like crying. By morning I can do it all again.

PRODIGAL TEETH

2009-05-16T23:20:00.004-05:00

Mama's prodigal teeth showed up just inches from where I spent the most time looking. I had taken her bed apart, looked behind the books, just everywhere, or so I thought. When they did show up, they were peeking out from under a pillow just inches from her bed, but over toward my bed. And no, I hadn't been using them!! Now she wants to put them in a glass of water instead of under her pillow. That is, if she takes them out, which she usually doesn't.

Now there are kittens between our beds. They are in a clothes basket, Abby seems happy for them to be there. They are so cute.

Poor Mama, spending her declining days in a house full of cats. She can hardly stand them. I just don't understand it, I love my cats and would be lost without them. She doesn't want them to even look at her. She is missing so much. The cats keep me company, keep my feet warm, tell me things, love me unconditionally (well, usually), and just make me happy. I have made my children promise that I will always have a cat when I am very old. Although, I have no intention of becoming very old. No intention at all.

MOTHER'S DAY

2009-05-10T20:29:00.002-05:00

I don't much like Mother's Day. I know I should. Several years ago I was sad on Mother's Day and shed tears in front of some people. I haven't liked it since.

RAIN

2009-05-06T10:54:00.003-05:00

The rain has given our grass a growth spurt. It's waving in the breeze and curling up the sides of the house. I can't see the rock that marks the cat's grave, that's the rock that is not mower friendly. But it is a nice shade of green.

I've scraped some of the dead leaves out of the herb and flower beds. All the mess is hiding in the tall grass. I just hope I have all the little rocks where the mower won't terrorize them later.

Everything seems better when I'm with the herbs. They are quiet and grow while I'm not looking.

I have to venture out soon, get the mail, go to the drug store, get cards for Mama to send.

Then writing.

WISHES

2009-04-30T21:53:00.003-05:00

Things I wish I had tonight:

*Diet Cherry 7Up
*Wurther's
*Pepperidge Farm Jewish Rye Bread - seeded
*pimento cheese
*new pencils
*the towels folded
*total quiet

PIE

2009-04-29T18:35:00.004-05:00

Company came today so I ordered a chocolate pie from the Diner. It was made fresh this morning and when I picked it up, it was still warm. The meringue was sky high and smelled wonderful. I couldn't wait to eat a piece, or two. I was not disappointed. It was to die for.

SEARCHING

2009-04-23T15:39:00.003-05:00

I've spent much of the day searching the house for Mama's bottom teeth. I have looked everywhere I can think of, stripped the bed, shook the covers, took the bed apart, looked behind the books, searched through the garbage, who knows where they are. Now I think we will just have to come across them, I don't know where else to look.
I search for things all the time. Often I don't find what I'm looking for until days later and sometimes not at all. Then I forget they are lost.
I also search for ways to make life easier for my mother. She hates having a feeding tube but it keeps her alive. She is fed 3 times a day, always worrying about me having to take the time. Of course, it doesn't take me long to feed her. She gets all her meds through the tube, taking only broth by mouth. It is difficult for her. Sometimes she talks me into letting her have things she doesn't need. Then she pays the price.
I still haven't found her teeth.

HUNTING EASTER EGGS

2009-04-11T11:14:00.004-05:00

The eggs rattled as they boiled in an iron pot sitting in the eye of the black cook stove. The old woman had filled the stove with kindling and lit it with a kerosene-soaked newspaper before anybody else in the house was awake. The little girl sat at the cherry drop-leaf kitchen table, unaware of its origin. The old woman's parents had set up housekeeping with the table in 1869, but that was unimportant to the little girl. She was busy dropping tablets of dye into each of six different china cups that sat on the table. The old woman poured hot water in each cup and together they watched the water turn color as the tablets fizzed.

When the eggs had finished boiling, the old woman put them on a cotton towel to dry. Soon the cool white eggs were ready for dyeing. The little girl held a wire scoop and dipped it gently into each cup, turning the eggs so the colors would be even. The old woman helped her to place each colored egg on a rack to drain.

They cleaned up the cupboard between the kitchen the dining room. When the eggs were dry, the old woman and the little girl placed them in an old Easter basket filled with green paper grass.

They went outside and the old woman hid the eggs around the swing frame that sat under the pear tree, along the fence row protecting the flowers, behind the cistern, near the rose bush growing over the trellis, and in the tufts of grass growing in the yard around the house.

The little girl hunted the eggs over and over until they were cracked and mushy. The old woman never tired of hiding them and was filled with joy as she watched the little girl hunt the eggs. She knew the little girl would enjoy herself just as much when Easter came around!

BUTTONS

2009-04-10T20:36:00.001-05:00

These buttons remind me of Easter Eggs.

MY MORNING

2009-04-07T19:04:00.003-05:00

Olivia spent the night with last night. This morning I got up at 5:45 (groan), woke up Olivia soon after. We got ready to leave and put her things in the truck. When we got to Owensboro, it was a little too early to take her to school so we pulled up in Kohl's parking lot. It was 7:07. I told Olivia we would leave the parking lot at 7:10. At 7:11 she woke me up and said it was after the 10. I dropped her off at school. Walmart was my next stop since I needed a few things. As I left the store I went to Subway for a coke to have with the bag of peanut butter eggs I bought.

The coke and peanut butter eggs were a fine breakfast as I drove toward home blissfully listening to NPR. As I approached the outskirts of Whitesville I noticed the cars headed the other way were pulling off to the side of the road. I glanced in the rearview mirror where I saw flashing blue lights nearly on my back bumper.

Since this morning, I've thinking about how many books I could have bought for $178.00.